Thursday, September 17, 2009

sept. 17th

well hello world.. i really had every intention of writing a post on 9-11, but my heart just would not follow what my head wanted to say.. the unbelieveable feelings that still come to me after the horror of that day would be i guess like some who JFK murdered years ago.. still the disbelief that it happened... then we moved on into what is my sons 19th bday on sept. 15... now who told me he could turn 19 already.. i know that it was not in any contract that i signed that said he could get older... but he is, and i dont think i could be more proud of him..he likes to raise a bit of hell, likes to get a bit crazy , but the kid has a big heart, and a great personality.. i love him so much and miss him even more..if that is even possible!! then on sept 16th i celebrated the 1 year anniversary of the death of my friend becky... i know she knows that i know she is watching down on us.. and i know that she knows that i know that she misses me almost as much as i miss her.. bless you my friend..gone but never forgotten..
today i found out that although my aunt is dying of cancer, it does not appear that many of her siblings intend to go and see her as she prepars for this final journey.. i guess i am different then that..i would be there, camped out, to talk and laugh and remember as much as we could in whatever amount of time we had left.. maybe i truly am different then my family.. it hurts me to think that she is going to leave and not have that time with them.. truly their loss.. and one that they will never be able to rectify.
lastly of my concerns.. man what in the holy heck am i gonna do foy my daughter..somedays i feel like i am truly beating my head against a brick wall with her.. but i feel like we have taken some steps towards fixing some of her anger.. a year and a half ago a very good friend of mine, and someone she called her other mom was killed in a car accident.. well she had decided then that there must not be a god because there is no reason for him to have taken her and not someone else.. and no matter how hard i have tried to explain to her how i felt or what i thought.. the message did not get through... well this sunday we went to church, took a step that i have to tell you caused me much thought and much wonder.. i was scared to go, to step out of my little shell and walk into a room full of people i was not sure of , ones i did not know.. and i walked out of there feeling like something that i had been missing was filled, something that was broken could be mended.. i have never cried in church during a sermon, and this time i did, i now know that this is something that has been bothering me and this was something that i needed to fix, and although not fixed, certainly starting to heal... and the best part of the whole day was when we walked out of there not only did dalton say how very much he liked church, but erica said that maybe she was wrong, that there was a god and that the sermon and the minister answered some of her questions...God is good... and for that i thank him.


  1. I am glad you found a church! I'm so sorry about your aunt and that her family is not going to be there for her! How sad! I hope your daughter finds God and lets him heal her pain and bitterness. **HUGS**

  2. jess thank you.. i am looking foreward to going tomorrow.. it was just a great place to be.. so calming...

  3. Speaking of looking forward to things... look who won on my blog:

  4. i still cannot believe i won that~~ you do such a great job with your pretty!! thank you sooo much!!